% Demo file for using ScriptTex 1.03%version

% This isn't a particularly exciting script, but it is demonstrative of what
% you can do with ScriptTex.

\input ../screenplay.tex

% optional \twoside
% optional \jlbrooks

\TV % or \movie (\TV is default)
\proof % or \manuscript or \shoot  (\proof is default)

\series{}  % Optional
\title{Annoying Habits of Men, Part XCII: Scratching} % used on title page and in \proof footlines
\author{Joseph Mack} % used on title page and in \proof footlines
\basedon{Inspired by a Transactors' prompt}
\draft{First draft} % used only if \proof is in force
%\date{25-OCT-1991}  % defaults to \today
\showcopyright{\number\year}
\address{5112 Longwood Dr \\
         Durham, NC, 27713-8010 \\
         (919) 401-2047}

\maketitle % creates a title page

%%%%
%%%% Main script begins here.
%%%% For the first part of this script, I won't take advantage of any synonyms
%%%% or shortcuts.
%%%%

\stage
Comments: Steve said with the men's backs to the audience,
you couldn't tell if they were scratching or masturbating.
He didn't find much humour in it.
I guess he hasn't had problems scratching.

\stage
At the Feb 2015 Transactors "Love" show, they asked for a suggestion
of an annoying habit of men.
A woman called out loudly "scratching their balls!".
I don't remember that Transactors did anything much with this,
but yesterday when I was on a walk, before Daphne's party, 
I thought of stuff to do with it.

\stage 

\introduce{Fred and Bill} 
standing in the yard

\introduce{Elsie and Marcy}
Fred and Bill's wives.
They're initially inside.

\stage
Comic Perspective: 
The audience will be embarrassed about men scratching their balls on-stage.
The piece is designed to maximize the amount of space they use their brains
to think about men scratching themselves.

\stage
Flaw: People deny they need to scratch, or deny that they do it.

\stage
Humanity: Everyone needs to scratch.

\stage
Situation: An afternoon social gathering. Not a place you can scratch yourself.

\stage
 
\act % begins demon act

\open{fade in}

\scene{ext.\ back yard~--- day}

\stage
Fred and Bill on stage. Bill looks agitated

\dialog{Fred} 
What's the problem Bill?

\dialog{Bill}
Ahhh! My balls are itchy. I've got to scratch them.

\dialog{Fred}
Well why don't you just go ahead?

\dialog{Bill} 
The women inside will see me! 
All Marcy has to do is look out the window.
She'll kill me on the way home.
She thinks it's gross and disgusting.
She caught me doing it early on when we were dating;
she said if she ever, ever caught me doing it again,
she'd never have anything to do with me anymore.
I still have to do it of course;
now I just hide all the time.
Fortunately I've managed to figure out how to keep it from her;
she thinks I don't do it anymore.
If I do it here, out in the middle of the yard, 
she'll see me straight away and I'll never hear the end of it.

\dialog{Fred}
Oh come on, relax Bill.
Elsie thinks it's gross and disgusting too.
I just make sure she never sees me.
Now I can scratch just about any time I want.
You don't see me walking around with my face all screwed up
and trying desperately to cross my legs, 
just like you are now,
and expecting no-one to notice, now do you?

\dialog{Bill}
Well no. How come women don't have this problem?
You never see women doing this.

\dialog{Fred}
Nope, you never do.
I guess it must be because they're built differently.

\dialog{Bill}
But surely they must have their own version of the problem?

\dialog{Fred}
Apparently not, 
or they'd be scratching themselves in the check-out lines just like we do.

\dialog{Bill} 
OK then, tell me, 
what's the secret to not getting caught?

\dialog{Fred} 
Careful preparation and observation.
Look through the window there.
The women aren't in the kitchen.
That means they're in the living room.
They can't see us from there; you're safe.
Listen, just to show you that I'm not having you on,
I'll do it too.
I haven't scratched my balls since just before we came out here.
I'm due for a good scratch, just about right now anyhow.
Let's turn our backs to the window, just to be sure.

\dialog{Bill}
Wow! Who ever thought it would be this easy?

\stage
Both face away from the audience.
Both go into a paroxysm of scratching, grimacing,
exclaiming "that's better",
and making loud noises of relief, 
till the audience starts to slow down laughing.
I'm hoping for a reaction similar to the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles.

\stage
Elsie bursts onto the stage

\dialog{Elsie} 
What the hell do you two think you're doing?!

\stage
Fred and Bill act surprised and recover, 
looking down at their hands which they pull away,
as if they were doing something normal with them.

\dialog{Fred}
Oh hi, sweetie.

\dialog{Bill} 
Hello Elsie, nice day isn't it?

\dialog{Fred}
What do you mean "what are we doing?".
We were just out in the yard looking around.
Nothing wrong with that, is there?

\dialog{Elsie}
We watched you for about 5 minutes through the kitchen window,
till I couldn't stand it anymore.
It was gross and disgusting.
It's the first time Marcy has come over to see us 
and there she had to watch this exhibition from you.
I was so embarrassed.
She must wonder what sort of person I married.

\dialog{Fred}
All right. 
I was just doing it because Bill here needed a bit of relief.
I didn't want him to have to do it by himself.

\dialog{Bill}
Thanks a lot!

\dialog{Elsie}
That's right! 
Blame it on Bill.
A fine friend you are.

\dialog{Fred} 
Well OK. It was my first time.
I never do this.

\dialog{Elsie}
Are you kidding me? 
You do it all the time.
You did it just before you stepped out into the yard.
Fortunately Marcy didn't see you doing it.

\dialog{Fred} 
Well, I won't do it again.

\dialog{Elsie}
The only way you're going to stop is if your cock and balls fall off.
And another thing - 
Tommy is growing up and I don't want him getting any ideas from you.

\dialog{Fred} 
I expect he figure it out by himself.

\dialog{Elsie}
I don't want you encouraging bad public behaviour in our son.

\stage
Fred looks beaten. 

\stage
silence

\dialog{Fred} 
Doesn't this ever happen to you? Surely you must have something similar ...

\dialog{Elsie}
I'd rather die than do what you just did.

\dialog{Fred} 
well sorry I asked.

\stage
Men walk to side of stage and stage-talk to themselves.
Elsie in center stage.
Marcy walks on.

\dialog{Marcy} 
Listen don't worry about what we just saw.
Bill does it all the time too.
I know it's gross and disgusting.
He practically did it on our first date.
I told him to stop, but all he does instead is try to hide it.
He's absolutely hopeless at hiding it of course.
He thinks I don't know, 
but I know just about every time he does it.

\dialog{Elsie} 
Yes Fred is just the same
and he's doing it all the time.
I don't know how he thinks I can miss it.

\stage
Marcy grimaces

\dialog{Elsie} 
What's wrong Marcy, are you OK?

\dialog{Marcy} 
I'm itchy.

\dialog{Elsie}
Oh no! not ... there?!

\dialog{Marcy} 
Yes ... there!
Listen don't worry.
Bill never notices when I scratch myself.
I can practically be standing in front of him and he won't notice.

\dialog{Elsie}
Yes Fred is like that too.
I can be in a frenzy of scratching and he won't even look up.
It must be something about being a man.
I don't think any of them ever see us doing it.

\dialog{Marcy} 
I'm just going to turn my back to them.
They'll never notice.
Do you want to join me?
I notice you haven't scratched yourself since we left the kitchen.
That's quite a while.

\stage
Elsie checks in the direction of the men.

\dialog{Elsie} 
Sure, they're busy.
There's no way they'll notice.

\stage
Marcy and Elsie go into a frenzy of scratching.
Eventually the men notice,
try to pretend that nothing is happening,
look away, hold their hands up to their face to block what they're seeing.
Eventually they dash over to the women

\dialog{Fred} 
What the hell do you two think you're doing?!

\dialog{Elsie} 
Oh hi, Fred, Bill.

\dialog{Marcy} 
Nice day isn't it?

\dialog{Elsie} 
Marcy and I were just having a chat ... about personal things,
you know ... girl talk.

\dialog{Fred} 
I thought you'd rather die than do that.

\stage
Somehow, I have to find a way to get all four people on stage scratching themselves,
to maximize audience embarrassement.

\fadeout
\theend

%%%% Always end with \bye.
\bye % cleans up and exits
